first off, please no1 try to give me a pep talk. i’ve had questions wasted before cause people thought i needed more self confidence in my work. self confidence won’t help if nobody likes it.
now to the main part. 10 points to the person who can give me the most USEFULL criticism. hit me with your best shot. i want to know any problems this has.
grammar does not count.
“But mommy, I don’t wanna go to bed yet!” cried 5 year old Alexandra Koch as her mother tucked her in under the covers.
“But it’s 8:30, that’s your bedtime.” Replied her mother. “You can’t stay up all night.” She added. “Are you ready for a bedtime story?”
“Mommy?” asked the girl. “I miss daddy. When’s he coming home?” The little girl’s bright green eyes were staring at her mother from behind the locks of curly red hair.
“He’s just on a business trip; he’ll be back home soon.” Said her mother as she picked up a book from the shelf. She walked over to the side of the bed and showed the child the cover of the book.
“Let’s read ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.” The mother laid the book on the bed next to Alexandra and opened it up.
After a few minutes of reading, the little girl was sound asleep. The mother slowly closed the book, and then she just sat there and stared with a smile on her face. Her little girl was so beautiful… She leaned foreword and kissed the girl’s cheek.
“Goodnight Alex. Mommy loves you.” She said She then stood up and quietly walked over to the bookshelf where she placed the book. The mother quietly left the room and slowly closed the door.
Alexandra was woken out of a deep sleep by a scream coming from downstairs. She was frozen in fear.
“Mommy?” she said in a hushed tone, even though the door was still closed and nobody could hear her. She slowly pulled the covers away and sat up in bed. She looked at the digital clock by her bedside. It was 11:49. The room was dark. She looked at the door, waiting for someone to come in. she was scared/. A tear ran down her cheek. She slowly slid over to the side of the bed.
She could hear voices coming from the other side of the door. One was he mom’s, she like she was crying. The other was a deeper voice that she didn’t recognize. It wasn’t her dad’s voice.
“Mommy?” she said again, this time a little louder. She knew that she probably couldn’t hear her. She stared in silence at the door through the dim light shed by the nightlight plugged into the wall. She slowly stood up. For a moment, the unfamiliar voice was just loud enough that she could understand what it said.
“Do it NOW!” said the voice. She could hear her mother let out a loud whimper. Alexandra hesitantly took a step forward. She was confused. She took another step, and then another, and then her mom let out another scream. She froze. More tears started running down her face. She didn’t know what was happening.
She slowly started walking again, and she didn’t take her eyes off of the door. As she inched closer, she started reaching upward for the doorknob. She grabbed it cautiously and paused for a moment. She didn’t know weather she wanted to see what was happening or if she was too scared.
She closed her eyes tightly and turned the knob, and then she opened the door. She could hear better what was going on now.
“And Alexandra, could you please tell us what you saw next?” said the pretty woman. It had all happened two days ago, and she still couldn’t get used to the idea. She brought her head up from her arms. Her face was soaked with tears. She could barely see.
Poor girl thought the pretty woman. She wished that there was another way, that there was someone else who saw the murder, but there wasn’t. She wished that a little girl this innocent didn’t have to see her mommy die, but she did. She wished that the courtroom didn’t have to make her relive her worst memory, but they had to so that justice could be achieved.
“I..” the judge said in almost a whisper, then he spoke a little louder
“I’ve heard enough from miss Koch.” He said, as Alexandra tried to wipe the tears from her eyes. The first thing that she could see clearly was the suspect. He was a large black man. He had short fuzzy hair and he was wearing a suit and tie. His lawyer was sitting next to him.
“It was him! It was him!” she screamed. “He had a gun and he was in the living room and he made mommy take all her clothes off and he…” she was still screaming, but she hid her head back in her arms that she had crossed on the desk at the whiteness stand which made the words unrecognizable.
The lawyer stood up. “Objection, your honor! This whiteness is a 5 year old girl!” then the pretty woman turned to him and started talking loudly to the other lawyer. Alexandra’s father stood up from the crowd, pointed a finger, and started yelling. She heard the judge yell
“Order in the court!” and then she flashed back to reality.
She was 13 and sitting on the side of her large bed with her face in her hands crying. The first thing that she noticed was the music that she had blaring. It was “If Today was Your Last Day” by Nickelback. The music was extremely loud, but the house was big enough that she didn’t think anyone else could hear it. She looked up and wiped the tears away from one eye and squinted at the clock on her nightstand from behind the locks of long, curly, red hair. It was 1:24 A.M.
She took a deep breath and sighed. Tears were still flowing down her face. She felt her cell phone vibrate in her pocket. She pulled it out and opened it up, tucking her hair behind her ears so she could see clearly. It was a text message, and on the screed, she saw the face of her best friend, Tricia Long. She couldn’t help but feel slightly jealous of her blonde hair and blue eyes. She tapped the “read message” button on the screen and the message popped up.
“Hey Alex, u ok?” It read. Alexandra closed her eyes fo
She tried to wipe tears off of her face, but her hands were too wet. She reached over and grabbed the corner of a sheet and wiped her face with that. She took a deep breath and laid there on the bed. Her phone started to vibrate. She sniffed as she brought it up to her face. “Its ok. I no its tough. Im really srry u hav 2 go thru all this…”
She sighed again and brought her phone down and set it on her stomach. She turned her head over to face her alarm clock. The red digital numbers read 1:39. She laid there, almost in a trance staring at the blinking colon. She slowly closed her eyes.
Her phone started vibrating again. Alexandra’s eyes snapped open. The clock now read 1:42. She grabbed her phone and looked at it. “im tired” read the words on it. “im gonna go 2 bed. U should try to get some sleep. U looked like a zombie in class 2day. Night alex.” Alexandra pressed the reply button and slowly typed with her index finger. “night Trish. Ty for listening. Ur a gr8 friend.” She hit s
She stood there for a long moment leaning on the desk, then turned around and walked to her bed. She sat down and grabbed the phone charging cord off of the nightstand to plug her phone in.
sorry it’s a little long
